Let’s get this straight from the off: I’m a gentleman and do not believe in the objectification of women nor in the pursuit of meaningless, empty sex. Obviously. What follows is a collage of advice I’ve been given from friends, obviously, rather than my own experience, obviously. Just so you know.
There’s little doubt about it and no point in us pretending otherwise; Colombian girls are full-on, undeniable, neck-wrenching, jaw-dropping, eye-popping, show-all-your-mates-on-Facebook-but-they-won’t-believe-you, smokin’ hotties. So how on earth do you go about convincing one of these superlative ladies that it’s your beer-belly they want to see in the flesh, and your over-zealous kiss they want making their chin sodden?
It’s both easier and more difficult than you might think. First things first, chances are if you’re reading this you’ll be a foreigner in Colombia and, as with anywhere in the world, this is a big advantage. Here, far from being the uncoordinated oaf you are back home, you actually have a certain exotic charm. You have a funny accent, you dance funny and you dress funny. This is all a bonus to you. Use it.
In Colombia, however, you have to keep in mind that girls are far less likely than in countries such as England to just get drunk and sleep with someone in a one-night-stand. There’s a greater focus on dating girls, which gives you more time to charm them, but also gives them more time to get to know you. Usually not a good thing, eh?
So the first lesson is this: be prepared to date. Don’t go into a night with high expectations of spending the night in a love motel or anything like that. There’s a very clear 3 date rule, and mostly you’ll be expected to abide by it. On that 3rd date however, it’s very likely you’ll be invited in for some tinto ifyouknowwhatI’msaying.
Colombians tend to go out in big groups which can be intimidating but, so long as you’re partial to a bit of Aguardiente and can speak a smidgen of Spanish, you’ll usually find them accommodating and happy to dance with you, and chances are one of the group will speak better English than you do Spanish.
So the second lesson is this: don’t be afraid to approach large groups but do kick off with Spanish. Chances are someone will say ‘where are you from?’ and from then on you’re clear. Be friendly, don’t be sleezy and, if you don’t say anything offensive, you should get some success.
The third lesson is this: dance. I know, I know, you’re not drunk enough or you just basically can’t dance. Same for me, but your rigid hip movements are a necessity if you want to find yourself a special friend here in Colombia, because here dancing is a massive bonus. Even just trying to dance is a bonus, and remember: it reinforces your foreign-ness, you tall, blond stranger you.
One word of warning from the laid-back European collective: people on the dating scene in Colombia can be more intense than we’re used to. This can be good, it can be bad, but expect phone calls. Expect lots of phone calls.
Of course, if you can’t be bothered with this, there’s always prepagos. Your call.